Misery Business

I'm in the business of misery, let's take it from the top
She's got a body like an hourglass that's ticking like a clock
It's a matter of time before we all run out
When I thought he was mine, she caught him by the mouth

I waited eight long months
She finally set him free
I told him I couldn't lie, he was the only one for me
Two weeks and we had caught on fire
She's got it out for me, but I wear the biggest smile

Whoa, well I never meant to brag
But I've gotten what I wanted now
Whoa, it was never my intention to brag
To steal it all away from you now
But God does it feel so good
'Cause I got him where I want him now
And if you could then you know you would
'Cause God it just feels so
It just feels so good

Second chances they don't ever matter, people never change
Once a whore, you're nothing more, I'm sorry that'll never change
And about forgiveness, we're both supposed to have exchanged
I'm sorry honey, I passed out, now look this way

Well there's a million other girls who do it just like you
Looking as innocent as possible to get to who
They want and what they like, it's easy if you do it right
Well I refuse, I refuse, I refuse!

I watched his wildest dreams come true
Not one of them involving you
Just watch my wildest dreams come true
Not one of them involving !!!

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YEP! Lyrics above to Paramore's popular song. Misery Business is the lead single from their second studio album, Riot! (2007).

A few months back, I've been through a lot of hell. All because some ugly slut stole my Bry away and broke our family. Ashlee was devastated. I was so stressed out and depressed. No words could explain the pain I went through, how hurt I was. I nearly lost my mind. Worst, I felt like it's my fault. My mental and physical health deteriorated. I was bitter. Very bitter. I was so open about it on Facebook.

But I didn't give up. I fought. Hard. I've tried everything to be able to let go. Soon I was so good at pretending to be happy being single. Sooo good that some people actually believed I was okay. Damn. At that time I felt like I deserved a best actress award or something. But 'behind the scene', I was still very broken. I became best friends with alcohol. I even started dating several guys (and girls) at the same time to forget. Did it work? NO. Caused me more harm instead.

During that period, there was just one thing I hated more than that manipulative nymphomaniac... it was 'time'. I tried to kill time but it was killing me instead. Hours felt like days. Days felt like months. Months felt like years. But while it was being my worst enemy, I realized it was also what I needed to move on. Time does heal. I slowly realized no one else can help me but me and that is why I have to love myself more. And that I did. And I think I've become a better person. My attitude improved. Even my looks improved. Suddenly I didn't care much about him and her anymore. I was starting to be okay.

Although I've changed and was finally able to move on from the circumstances, there was one thing that didn't change and I was so ashamed about it. My feelings for him - he still holds my heart. I hated what he did to me: the betrayal, the lying, the cheating. But I still love him and I was too embarrassed to admit it even to my closest friends and relatives. They would ask me these questions: "Do you still love him?" or "What if they break up and he returns to you, will you accept him again and get back together?" I was always quick to answer with a strong "HELL NO!" or "NO FUCKING WAY!" because I wanna show everyone that I'm stronger. And I would feel bad about it because I know I wasn't being true to myself. Because it's him I still want. It's him I still need. He's still the one I wanna spend the rest of my life with. But nobody saw that because then again I was sooo good at pretending that I don't give a damn about him. Besides, I was getting used to him being gone and I'm getting quite comfortable being single. Like I said, I was starting to be okay.

Anyway, just as most people expected, their relationship didn't last. And just as most people expected, he wanted me back. So, how did I feel about that? Honestly, although I knew that eventually they'd break up, I was quite shocked that it happened too soon. When he told me about it and expressed his desires of getting back with me and starting over again, I had mixed emotions and didn't know how to respond. All of the pain came back. I felt angry and I initially thought of getting revenge and making him suffer. But I realized karma already did its job. And I am afraid of karma myself. Still I feel that the pain and suffering he went through with her IS NOTHING compared to the pain he had caused me. But I knew I was just wasting so much time and energy asking him why he chose to break my heart because I realized that no matter how hard I'd try to listen to him and even though I feel his sincerity, no reason will ever be acceptable. His reasons will never give me peace of mind. But I wanted to have a second chance with him so I had to let my heart take over. After all, the heart wants what it wants. I'm sure many people won't understand my decision.

Okay... so we're now celebrating our first 'monthsary' after getting back together (yes, we reconciled on Valentine's Day! cheesy huh!). The days went by too fast. We've already had major fights in such a short time but we've both matured and grown emotionally so this time we were always quick to make up. At the end of the day, we're still there for each other.

So, why do I have lyrics of 'Misery Business' on this blog entry? Well, because I can somehow relate to some of the lines. I'd like to utter the lyrics (those bold, underlined words) to that slut's face if given the opportunity. LOL. Because that's exactly how I feel. Those lyrics strongly suggest that I don't feel sorry for her and that the glory of getting Bry back is precedence over any shame or guilt. Having said that, soon we'll let important people in our lives know about our status. Slowly. Because we think they haven't moved on. In their eyes, Bry is still an antagonist in this story. We can't blame them though. We've exposed too much dirty laundry on Facebook during our entire ordeal. And we've both learned from that. We've both already caused too much damage on our reputation because of oversharing. Never again. This time we're going low profile, haha! It's more peaceful when less people know about things that really matter. Especially, it's easier to mend misunderstandings. Things don't get too complicated. But I know friends will soon find out. And for sure they won't be happy about it. I'm expecting violent reactions from them, haha! If they ask me 'why?' My answer would be simple: I chose to take him back because of all that he did right for the first three years of our relationship, rather than pushing him away for good just for the few things he did wrong last year.

So there. I got him where I want him now. ;)

Don't Fall In Love With Me....

“Do not fall in love with people like me. I will take you to museums, and parks, and monuments, and kiss you in every beautiful place, so that you can never go back to them without tasting me like blood in your mouth. I will destroy you in the most beautiful way possible. And when I leave you will finally understand, why storms are named after people.” 

―Caitlyn Siehl, Literary Sexts: A Collection of Short & Sexy Love Poems

My Depression Test Results

Major Depression: High
Dysthymia: Slight
Bipolar Disorder: Moderate
Cyclothymia: High
Seasonal Affective Disorder: Very High
Postpartum Depression: N/A
http://www.depressedtest.com/

Shoichi Kondoh

With this blog entry, I wish to convey, on behalf of the Filipinos worldwide, our gratitude from the bottom of our hearts to all people from around the world and their countries who unselfishly poured their support to the victims and survivors of Typhoon Yolanda (Haiyan). We will always remember.

One of the most powerful storms on record, Yolanda claimed nearly 6,000 lives and destroyed many cities in the Visayas region of the Philippines. During the wake of the tragedy, the country has received an outpouring of international support. In fact, it was very clear and widely known that the entire world scrambled to help.

Personally though, there's this individual I will never forget... a 6-year-old Japanese kid named Shoichi Kondoh. A week after the storm hit the Philippines, this boy went to the Philippine Embassy in Tokyo and gave away his piggy bank savings of 5,000 Japanese Yen (almost 2,200 Pesos) when he found out about our country's predicament on television. When I first read about this, my heart melted.

Shoichi, accompanied by his mother Miho, making his donation at the embassy (Photo by:  R.Gavino from http://tokyo.philembassy.net)

Because one kind deed deserves another, a group of Filipinos here and abroad came up with the idea of sending this boy a humble present that would be sent anonymously to remind him of the people he had helped and would give an impression that it came from the Filipino people in general. So a month later, the Philippine embassy was able to find Shoichi and handed him the package: a nicely-wrapped present, the size of a shoe box, containing four small jeepney toys and an “I LOVE PH” shirt.

Now, just look at that bright smile on his face after receiving his surprise!

(Photo from the Philippine embassy in Tokyo)

Kudos to that anonymous group!

In my opinion, his parents deserve gifts too for raising him so well! :)

Introducing... MOLEE

Our Molee is the biggest of our three cats.

On his first day with us, he was the most elusive of the three. He immediately ran and hid under a pile of old pillows as soon as we opened the basket (that carried them) when we got home. We couldn't coax him to come out of there and play. He just stayed there for hours. He was kinda aloof for a couple more weeks and would often be hiding most of the time under the bench, under the bed, under the stove rack, and even under the sink. But when he finally started getting used to the people living in the house, he was more visible. Actually, he became the MOST visible.

(Hiding under the stack of pillows on the first day...)






If you look at Molee's head, you will notice the proportioned fur markings on his whole face. I love that perfect black triangle mark that covered his entire nose. It makes his nose appear really big and I would tease Bry that Molee is a cat version of him, haha! He also has facial markings that made him look like he has a little mustache and a goatee! And these make him seem like a mean looking cat! He's got black tail (which is somewhat crooked), his ears are black and the back of his four legs are all black as well! His paw pads are dark brown.
Though he is the biggest, he has the tiniest, highest pitched 'meow' of them all. It's really weird and we find it funny because it seems that the sound does not come from him at all! LOL

Molee is the most disciplined. We can actually prepare our meal and eat without fear of our food getting snatched or stolen by him. While we're eating, he would just sit quietly close by without demanding to be fed. He also rarely climbs up fixtures and very seldom do I see him scratching on furniture.

I consider Molee my bed buddy. He would jump up the bed and sit or lay beside me while I'm reading a book/magazine or playing games on my iPod Touch and would even take a nap sometimes. There were also instances wherein I would wake up and find him sleeping in between Bry and me on the bed, haha! And I love that he doesn't mind or walk out on us when we pet/stroke/hug him while he sits and rest. He's the most huggable, probably because the other two are much skinnier and smaller than him. 

When Bry's at home on his rest days, Molee would be following him around the house. Wether he's in the kitchen, doing laundry, or using the toilet, Molee tags along.

We had to buy Molee a collar twice! The first one we got him is  maroon/black/white but the buckle got broken so we bought him a new one which is green.

Bored in their cage...

While Molee seems to be the sweetest angel, he really is NOT! Usually when not much people are around, I would catch him pestering the other two. He would often attack and bite Kelee on her back and pounce on Tuxedo who is just usually sitting by himself and minding his own business. He would also be the one who usually rings the others into an enormous burst of energy and all three of them would be running like crazy, sprinting from one end of the house to the other. And they would do this mostly at night which is not good because they'd be running all over sleeping people and Bry's parents would get awaken and be so pissed! Hehe.

Yes, he could be naughty sometimes but he is never antagonizing. He was never greedy when it comes to food and space (his other siblings would be sleeping outstretched in the cage and he'd just be in one corner sleeping in the most awkward position). He is an ideal big brother- so generous!

But Molee's got this really weird habit... whenever I use the bathroom in the evening before going to work, he would try to get in the shower curtain and if I drive him away, he'll climb up the beams so he can see what I'm doing in there!!! He watches me while I do bathroom business! Look at these pics...

It is also strange that he likes sleeping in buckets...

And just like any other cat, he likes to go inside huge bags and hang out in boxes...

Meow :3

Our Furry Babies

Four months ago (June), Bry and I adopted three kittens. They were only three months old then.

This was the basket we used when we picked them up from the original owner:

People who know me too well asked me, "WHY CATS? YOU HATE CATS!"

Well, why not? I DO NOT hate cats. It's just that I grew up with dogs around the house all the time (my dad's a vet) so I've spent most of my life having hands-on experience with dogs. There was no way we could take care of cats back then because my grandmother is a dog lover and she believes that cats and dogs do not get along. I grew up believing that too. Looking back, I used to think that cats are evil and manipulative, LOL. I don't remember exactly what made me thought of them that way. I used to bring home assorted animals (e.g. kittens, bugs/insects, birds, bats, worms, etc.) all the time and my grandmother would go ballistic! I guess the incident that made me less amorous towards cats was when I snuck in a stray kitty so I could give it some milk and food (I was 16 years old that time). It looked so hungry, harmless and helpless that my heart broke. I even thought of keeping it in my room and caring for it secretly but had second thoughts because I didn't wanna get into trouble. After feeding it, I went to check if the coast was clear so I can go release it back outside. After just less than a minute, I heard utensils falling off the dining table. I ran to check and I found it on the table dragging away a huge chunk of beefsteak that my grandmother cooked for dinner. I hurriedly went closer to grab it off the table and it scratched my arm while struggling vigorously. "You ungrateful animal!", I yelled as it rushed through the open door. I was no longer very fond of cats after that...

...until I started going out with Bry two years ago. He would often tell me stories about the three generations of cats that his family had taken care of. And being a good storyteller that he is, I was always entertained and amazed by what cats could do. To make the story short, Bry made me realize how awesome cats actually are! So when this rare opportunity came to have crossbred cats for free (the father's a Siamese cat and the mother's a pusspin), I did not have second thoughts! I contacted the owner right away and arranged for the pick up of the kittens. And the rest is history!

So here are our cute furry babies, now 7 months old... 

From left to right: KELEE, TUXEDO, and MOLEE

28th

(Deep breath...) Oh-kay. I really don't know how to start this one... but I really want to apologize first (to my imaginary readers! hehe) for not being consistent and not being able to update my blogs (I have two) often. I know I've promise a gazillion times that I will frequently write but I just couldn't find time and inspiration.

Time- I have found this a couple of weeks ago, actually, when I lost two other jobs. But time alone isn't much of a help without inspiration. That's just me maybe, I don't know about you guys. Having plenty of time but without inspiration, I'd just be procrastinating.

or maybe... yeah... I'm just downright LAZY! pffft!

So... here goes...

It's my 28th birthday (although the date here says Oct.22nd, western time zone I guess). Nothing special. No party or celebration whatsoever. But I do have plans to have dinner with a couple of friends this weekend. Just plain dinner at a resto. No drinking or partying or anything like that. I don't know why I feel this way, but I feel really old now.

I've been telling myself this for years and I will tell myself again: "Maeka, be more productive this year. The time is now to reach for your dreams." I'm taking bigger steps now. I hope it's not too late for me.

Actually, I couldn't ask for more this year. Our new house in Lancaster Estates was finally endorsed; I became a crazy cat lady (we adopted 3 kittens a few months ago); I got new eyeglasses (thank God! my old one lasted 3 years!); and I was interviewed by Marc Logan (although the supposed show never made it on TV, LOL!); etc...  It rained blessings! I really couldn't ask for more! Well maybe just a little more like being debt free...? >.<

Call me shallow, but I look forward to birthday greetings on my Facebook wall/timeline every year. A Japanese Facebook friend of mine greeted me as early as two days ago. One of my closest friends in high school greeted me yesterday. But today, on the day of my birthday, Bry greeted me first. I was just expecting a simple 'Happy Birthday' greeting from him on my timeline. I mean I just didn't expect him to exert more effort than that. But he surprised me.

I had two drops of tears ran down my cheeks... and I've never felt more loved, more blessed, more inspired!  My heart pounded as if wanting to get out of my body. It's true that love must be shown thru actions or deeds, but it suddenly struck me how important it is to hear (or read, in this case) sweet words from your loved-ones too. I just... MELTED!

Then I probed as to how he wrote such a beautiful message because I just wanted to make sure these words really came from his heart and not just copied anywhere! Haha! I know it sounds like I was underestimating him, but no. In the earlier stages of our relationship, we used to write each other love notes all the time so I know he has this talent to write stuff that would make girls fall head over heels. Then for no apparent reason, it abruptly stopped. Anyway, his birthday message kinda triggered me not only to revive our exchanging of love notes but also to blog today.

And I'm hoping it doesn't stop here. I'm inspired to write more! I'll definitely try to blog more tonight. :)