She's got a body like an hourglass that's ticking like a clock
It's a matter of time before we all run out
When I thought he was mine, she caught him by the mouth
I waited eight long months
She finally set him free
I told him I couldn't lie, he was the only one for me
Two weeks and we had caught on fire
She's got it out for me, but I wear the biggest smile
Whoa, well I never meant to brag
But I've gotten what I wanted now
Whoa, it was never my intention to brag
To steal it all away from you now
But God does it feel so good
'Cause I got him where I want him now
And if you could then you know you would
'Cause God it just feels so
It just feels so good
Second chances they don't ever matter, people never change
Once a whore, you're nothing more, I'm sorry that'll never change
And about forgiveness, we're both supposed to have exchanged
I'm sorry honey, I passed out, now look this way
Well there's a million other girls who do it just like you
Looking as innocent as possible to get to who
They want and what they like, it's easy if you do it right
Well I refuse, I refuse, I refuse!
I watched his wildest dreams come true
Not one of them involving you
Just watch my wildest dreams come true
Not one of them involving !!!
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
YEP! Lyrics above to Paramore's popular song. Misery Business is the lead single from their second studio album, Riot! (2007).
A few months back, I've been through a lot of hell. All because some ugly slut stole my Bry away and broke our family. Ashlee was devastated. I was so stressed out and depressed. No words could explain the pain I went through, how hurt I was. I nearly lost my mind. Worst, I felt like it's my fault. My mental and physical health deteriorated. I was bitter. Very bitter. I was so open about it on Facebook.
But I didn't give up. I fought. Hard. I've tried everything to be able to let go. Soon I was so good at pretending to be happy being single. Sooo good that some people actually believed I was okay. Damn. At that time I felt like I deserved a best actress award or something. But 'behind the scene', I was still very broken. I became best friends with alcohol. I even started dating several guys (and girls) at the same time to forget. Did it work? NO. Caused me more harm instead.
During that period, there was just one thing I hated more than that manipulative nymphomaniac... it was 'time'. I tried to kill time but it was killing me instead. Hours felt like days. Days felt like months. Months felt like years. But while it was being my worst enemy, I realized it was also what I needed to move on. Time does heal. I slowly realized no one else can help me but me and that is why I have to love myself more. And that I did. And I think I've become a better person. My attitude improved. Even my looks improved. Suddenly I didn't care much about him and her anymore. I was starting to be okay.
Although I've changed and was finally able to move on from the circumstances, there was one thing that didn't change and I was so ashamed about it. My feelings for him - he still holds my heart. I hated what he did to me: the betrayal, the lying, the cheating. But I still love him and I was too embarrassed to admit it even to my closest friends and relatives. They would ask me these questions: "Do you still love him?" or "What if they break up and he returns to you, will you accept him again and get back together?" I was always quick to answer with a strong "HELL NO!" or "NO FUCKING WAY!" because I wanna show everyone that I'm stronger. And I would feel bad about it because I know I wasn't being true to myself. Because it's him I still want. It's him I still need. He's still the one I wanna spend the rest of my life with. But nobody saw that because then again I was sooo good at pretending that I don't give a damn about him. Besides, I was getting used to him being gone and I'm getting quite comfortable being single. Like I said, I was starting to be okay.
Anyway, just as most people expected, their relationship didn't last. And just as most people expected, he wanted me back. So, how did I feel about that? Honestly, although I knew that eventually they'd break up, I was quite shocked that it happened too soon. When he told me about it and expressed his desires of getting back with me and starting over again, I had mixed emotions and didn't know how to respond. All of the pain came back. I felt angry and I initially thought of getting revenge and making him suffer. But I realized karma already did its job. And I am afraid of karma myself. Still I feel that the pain and suffering he went through with her IS NOTHING compared to the pain he had caused me. But I knew I was just wasting so much time and energy asking him why he chose to break my heart because I realized that no matter how hard I'd try to listen to him and even though I feel his sincerity, no reason will ever be acceptable. His reasons will never give me peace of mind. But I wanted to have a second chance with him so I had to let my heart take over. After all, the heart wants what it wants. I'm sure many people won't understand my decision.
Okay... so we're now celebrating our first 'monthsary' after getting back together (yes, we reconciled on Valentine's Day! cheesy huh!). The days went by too fast. We've already had major fights in such a short time but we've both matured and grown emotionally so this time we were always quick to make up. At the end of the day, we're still there for each other.
So, why do I have lyrics of 'Misery Business' on this blog entry? Well, because I can somehow relate to some of the lines. I'd like to utter the lyrics (those bold, underlined words) to that slut's face if given the opportunity. LOL. Because that's exactly how I feel. Those lyrics strongly suggest that I don't feel sorry for her and that the glory of getting Bry back is precedence over any shame or guilt. Having said that, soon we'll let important people in our lives know about our status. Slowly. Because we think they haven't moved on. In their eyes, Bry is still an antagonist in this story. We can't blame them though. We've exposed too much dirty laundry on Facebook during our entire ordeal. And we've both learned from that. We've both already caused too much damage on our reputation because of oversharing. Never again. This time we're going low profile, haha! It's more peaceful when less people know about things that really matter. Especially, it's easier to mend misunderstandings. Things don't get too complicated. But I know friends will soon find out. And for sure they won't be happy about it. I'm expecting violent reactions from them, haha! If they ask me 'why?' My answer would be simple: I chose to take him back because of all that he did right for the first three years of our relationship, rather than pushing him away for good just for the few things he did wrong last year.
So there. I got him where I want him now. ;)
Although I've changed and was finally able to move on from the circumstances, there was one thing that didn't change and I was so ashamed about it. My feelings for him - he still holds my heart. I hated what he did to me: the betrayal, the lying, the cheating. But I still love him and I was too embarrassed to admit it even to my closest friends and relatives. They would ask me these questions: "Do you still love him?" or "What if they break up and he returns to you, will you accept him again and get back together?" I was always quick to answer with a strong "HELL NO!" or "NO FUCKING WAY!" because I wanna show everyone that I'm stronger. And I would feel bad about it because I know I wasn't being true to myself. Because it's him I still want. It's him I still need. He's still the one I wanna spend the rest of my life with. But nobody saw that because then again I was sooo good at pretending that I don't give a damn about him. Besides, I was getting used to him being gone and I'm getting quite comfortable being single. Like I said, I was starting to be okay.
Anyway, just as most people expected, their relationship didn't last. And just as most people expected, he wanted me back. So, how did I feel about that? Honestly, although I knew that eventually they'd break up, I was quite shocked that it happened too soon. When he told me about it and expressed his desires of getting back with me and starting over again, I had mixed emotions and didn't know how to respond. All of the pain came back. I felt angry and I initially thought of getting revenge and making him suffer. But I realized karma already did its job. And I am afraid of karma myself. Still I feel that the pain and suffering he went through with her IS NOTHING compared to the pain he had caused me. But I knew I was just wasting so much time and energy asking him why he chose to break my heart because I realized that no matter how hard I'd try to listen to him and even though I feel his sincerity, no reason will ever be acceptable. His reasons will never give me peace of mind. But I wanted to have a second chance with him so I had to let my heart take over. After all, the heart wants what it wants. I'm sure many people won't understand my decision.
Okay... so we're now celebrating our first 'monthsary' after getting back together (yes, we reconciled on Valentine's Day! cheesy huh!). The days went by too fast. We've already had major fights in such a short time but we've both matured and grown emotionally so this time we were always quick to make up. At the end of the day, we're still there for each other.
So, why do I have lyrics of 'Misery Business' on this blog entry? Well, because I can somehow relate to some of the lines. I'd like to utter the lyrics (those bold, underlined words) to that slut's face if given the opportunity. LOL. Because that's exactly how I feel. Those lyrics strongly suggest that I don't feel sorry for her and that the glory of getting Bry back is precedence over any shame or guilt. Having said that, soon we'll let important people in our lives know about our status. Slowly. Because we think they haven't moved on. In their eyes, Bry is still an antagonist in this story. We can't blame them though. We've exposed too much dirty laundry on Facebook during our entire ordeal. And we've both learned from that. We've both already caused too much damage on our reputation because of oversharing. Never again. This time we're going low profile, haha! It's more peaceful when less people know about things that really matter. Especially, it's easier to mend misunderstandings. Things don't get too complicated. But I know friends will soon find out. And for sure they won't be happy about it. I'm expecting violent reactions from them, haha! If they ask me 'why?' My answer would be simple: I chose to take him back because of all that he did right for the first three years of our relationship, rather than pushing him away for good just for the few things he did wrong last year.
So there. I got him where I want him now. ;)
